


Damn you, Cosmopolitan!

by albalonga99



Category: Football RPF, Real Madrid RPF
Genre: Crack, I do not know if i managed, Iker is clueless, M/M, Open Relationships, Pilar ir amazing, Sergio is Sergio, Sergio is drama queen, Sergio is failing at life, but Sergio is more clueless, open relationships FTW, or at least I tried to write crack
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-02-15
Updated: 2015-02-15
Packaged: 2018-03-13 02:52:24
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,847
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3364994
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/albalonga99/pseuds/albalonga99
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sergio wants to bone Iker. But first he needs to find out if Iker maybe wants to bone him in return. How to know if Iker is interested? Ask Cosmopolitan and you shall be given!</p>
            </blockquote>





	Damn you, Cosmopolitan!

**Author's Note:**

> Down at footy ficathon I prompted "Seriker - "Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out"". Actually I took this quote from http://textsfromlastnight.com/. But turns out no one was interested in writing it. So I did because I`m self-indulging as fuck.
> 
> And according to Cosmo - 7 Signs He Wants to Have Sex (Besides the Obvious One!)  
> http://www.cosmopolitan.com/sex-love/advice/g1277/signs-men-want-to-have-sex/?slide=1

Sergio has a boner for Iker.  
Yes, Sergio has known Iker for years now. They have been club team mates and national team mates for so long. They have fought and they have laughed. They have lost and they have won. They have welcomed new team members and said goodbyes when they eventually left. But Sergio and Iker – they stayed by each other`s sides. Captain and vice-captain. They were by each other`s sides after break-ups, they were there for each other when they both welcomed their sons. They had helped each other recover from injuries and regain confidence. For God`s sakes – Iker has cooked soup for him when Sergio caught cold once. And Sergio made Iker gorge himself on ice-cream and get drunk on a cheap wine while watching bullfighting all through the night after Iker had a very bad fight with Sara. They have been through thick and thin. And Sergio loves Iker. He can barely remember those old times when Iker wasn`t yet in his life. And he just can`t imagine Iker leaving his life. Sergio is confident that whatever happens, even after football he will still have Iker and Iker will still have him. So – yes – Sergio has loved Iker for a very long time. He loves Iker as a team mate, as his captain, as an amazing goalkeeper, as one of his best friends, as a brother. And it`s all good and dandy until one day Sergio wakes up wanting to climb Iker like a tree and suck his brains out through his dick…  
Where the fuck that came from?  
Suddenly Iker is not just his friend, his captain, his brother – suddenly Iker is this grumpily sexy specimen of masculine beauty and Sergio, who has seen Iker naked about million times before, pops a full hard-on just from watching fully-clothed Iker bend to retrieve something from his locker. It`s kind of embarrassing even for Sergio who really isn`t easily embarrassed. And kind of inconvenient. Because Sergio dares you to try and train while having a raging hard-on. No, inconvenient doesn`t even cover it…  
Sergio loves sex. He prides himself for having tried almost all there is to try in sex. With both sexes. Thankfully Pilar loves sex as much as Sergio does. And she too prides herself for trying it all. With both sexes as well. And actually they are still trying new things all the time. With each other. And with other people.  
So – Sergio doesn`t have any angst or sexual identity crisis after getting his first Iker-induced hard-on.  
But what about Iker?  
Well, Iker has Sara.  
But Iker had David too…  
And sometimes he has Xavi…  
And he used to have Cristiano. (It was before Cristiano got himself hypnotized by James` puppy eyes and baby smile and basically married sneaky little Columbian. Monogamy is not a concept Sergio can fully grasp, but whatever floats your boat – Sergio is not judgy.)  
So - to summarize it all - Sergio has a boner for Iker, Sergio wants to fuck Iker`s brains out (or wants Iker to fuck his brains out – Sergio is not picky!) and Iker (probably) could be open to the possibility of this potential fuck-fest. Thus, the only problem Sergio sees in this situation is the previously mentioned “probably” because even though Sergio knows that Iker definitely is not in a monogamous relationship and that he bats for both teams, Sergio is completely in the dark about whether Iker would like to bat for “team Sergio”.  
So of course Sergio finds the only logical solution – he googles “how to find out if he wants to have sex with you” and the magical google forwards Sergio to cosmopolitan.com.  
_1\. Man`s (read – Iker`s) face - His pupils dilate, making the black part of the eye go from small to larger, something that happens when arousal spikes. ___  
The next day before the practice Sergio goes and stands right in front of Iker while stretching his muscles. “Oh, it`s so hot!” Sergio says dramatically and takes off his shirt deliberately slowly. Iker is watching him, his face the usual grumpy unreadable mask. But still – Iker is looking at Sergio so it`s totally a win for Sergio. So Sergio turns around and bends pushing his ass up in the air and keeps stretching. Okay, he made his move – now Sergio just needs to check Iker`s eyes. Suddenly Sergio runs to Iker and grabs his face with both of his hands to check Iker`s eyes. Iker is so shocked of Sergio so suddenly grabbing his face that he head butts Sergio straight-on forehead to forehead. Sergio, one of the best football defenders in the world who has won uncountable air-fights succumbs to Iker`s superior forehead of steel and promptly passes-out. When he comes to it he can see Iker`s worried face up-close. Iker`s eyes look mostly normal, if you don`t count the right one twitching in anger as Iker proceeds to call Sergio in every swear word he knows.  
Sergio is out for three weeks with concussion.  
_2\. Guy with hands in pocket - It's an attempt to highlight the crotchal region and get you thinking about his junk. ___  
Sergio has never seen Iker with hands in his pockets. Iker`s hands are usually crossed over his chest. Sergio is still thinking about Iker`s junk all the time.  
_3\. Guy touching his nose - Unless he has a cold, this could be a sign since the Journal of the Royal Society of Medicine recently reported that the nerves in a guy's nose and his erectile tissue are linked. ___  
Iker is driving Sergio to the training since he is not yet completely recovered from the concussion. Sergio prepared for the ride – put on the very tight V-neck to show off his collarbones and biceps and tight jeans to accentuate his prominent package. Sergio used half an hour to style his hair perfectly and sprayed himself with his most expensive cologne. Sergio sits closer to gear leaver than usual, watching Iker closely as he drives. Iker`s face stays stoically still, he is watching road intently. Sergio sighs and spreads his legs a bit, putting his hands in his pockets (to highlight the crotchal region – thank you Cosmo!!!). Iker finally turns his head away from the road and looks at Sergio, his forehead scrunching in confusion. Sergio smiles trying to look seductive, but manages creepy and moronic.  
Suddenly Iker puts his fingers to his nose, scratching it a bit. And Sergio is ready to jump in the air and dance his victory dance… But Iker interrupts Sergio before he even has a chance to start celebrating – Iker sneezes. And then he sneezes again. And again. His eyes closed because it is impossible to sneeze without closing one’s eyes. Sergio barely manages to pull the wheel before they crash into the car in the next lane. Tires are screeching, horns are beeping and Iker is cursing Sergio for swimming in his “cheap cologne”…  
Sergio is crying. And even he can`t tell if it`s more because of complete and utter disaster this turned out to be or because the mix of his hair products and his (very expensive, fuck you very much, Iker!) cologne is stifling him.  
_4\. Voice gets lower - A 2010 study found that people lower the pitch of their voice when they're turned on. ___  
Sergio is still recovering from his concussion so he is training indoors. It takes a precise planning to make sure he goes to the locker room when most of the team that trained outside on the pitch are there and most importantly – Iker is there. Sergio moves Varane out of the way so he can change closer to Iker.  
“So, Iker, compadre, how was training?”  
Iker is silent. Sergio is used to that, so he just keeps talking or more like babbling.  
“Good? That`s great ma` man! Big game tomorrow.” Sergio leans closer and pulls his jersey off.  
Iker sighs, then grunts something unintelligible.  
“Yes, that`s the spirit! We are gonna win this, we are gonna kick their asses!” Sergio keeps talking as he takes off his shorts.  
Iker hums something non-committal.  
“Yes, hala Madrid, my friend!” Sergio takes off his underwear. “We are kings of Europe.” Sergio keeps talking, leaning closer to Iker and bulging his biceps. Sergio just needs Iker to fucking say something so he can hear Iker`s voice. Seriously, why is Iker being so difficult? “Don`t you agree? Iker?” Sergio is pouting. “Say something!”  
Finally Iker looks at completely naked Sergio who is sitting so close to him that Sergio`s naked leg is touching Iker`s fabric-clad leg. Iker rolls his eyes and finally opens his mouth.  
Sergio leans even closer to hear Iker`s voice better. Finally, finally Iker will speak and Sergio will know. Finally…  
“Uh.” Iker growls exasperatedly right into Sergio`s face as he gets up and leaves the locker room.  
Sergio brushes off Iker`s spit from his face and hits the back of his head against the door of Varane`s locker again, again and again…  
_5\. Guy rubbing girl`s shoulder - This is often a subconscious simulation of grabbing some tata. ___  
Okay, this one is tough. Because you see Sergio – has no tata… So, Sergio reads nr. 6.  
_6\. Hugging - It may not feel sexual, but if he lingers just above your ass, he could be craving, well, ass. ___  
Oh, this one is good – Sergio really wants to know, if Iker is craving his ass.  
Sergio thinks about it. Well, Iker has hugged him many, many times. Usually Sergio is the one who initiates hugs between them but Iker has done it too – usually after Sergio has scored or after they have won a game. Or for Sergio`s Birthday. Or on the rare occasions when Iker is in a good mood… It`s always nice hugging Iker but Iker`s hands have never went south from Sergio`s waist. Oh my God, Iker is not craving Sergio`s ass!  
Sergio is heart-broken.  
His last hope is nr. 7. Sergio reads it.  
_7\. Clothes – guy is trying to take your clothes of. ___  
And his gloom mood gets even worse. Iker had taken Sergio`s clothes off him just once. And Sergio can`t even remember it because he was unconscious at the time because he had caught an awful flu. It was that time when Iker made him soup and made sure Sergio took his medicine and drunk enough fluids.  
So, Iker has never indicated he wanted anything more from Sergio then to be his friend.  
Sergio is so sad that he goes and cries on Pilar`s shoulder.  
“There, there.” Pilar pets Sergio`s back.  
“What do I do now, Pil? He doesn`t want me but I`m still popping a boner just thinking about him… It`s so frustrating! Stupid Cosmopolitan!”  
Pilar rolls her eyes at Sergio`s antics. “Oh, come on – just take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out!”  
“Seriously? That`s your advice? Iker has seen me naked million times and I still don`t know if he wants to have sex with me!” Sergio is sulking.  
Pilar rolls her eyes even harder because men – what a drama queens!  
“In locker rooms – Iker has seen you naked in locker rooms and showers – that doesn`t count. Take off your clothes when you are alone with him and in situation where it is not common to take off clothes. I don`t know – go to his house when he`s alone or invite him over here.”  
“So – what – I just say - `Hi, Iker! Good to see you!` - and then just take my clothes off?”  
“Exactly!” Pilar confirms.  
Sergio thinks it over for a moment and then agrees: “Oh! Okay, good thinking, my love. Thank you!”  
\---  
Sergio has it all planned out – it`s Sunday – a day after the game (which Real Madrid won, thank you very much!). They don`t have to go to training and Pilar invited Sara shopping and they took children with them. Carbonillas` housekeeper has a holiday on Sundays so Iker is home alone. It`s 11 am and Sergio is ringing Carbonillas` door bell. Iker finally opens. Iker looks like he was training in his home gym – all sweaty and breathless and so delicious that Sergio wants to swallow him whole.  
Sergio`s dick goes from tofu to cucumber basically ignoring pealed banana and banana phases (yes, Sergio read in Cosmopolitan about four phases of penis as it goes from soft to fully erect! Fuck off, Cosmopolitan is full of very important and useful information!).  
“Sergio? What are you doing here?” Iker asks.  
And Sergio doesn`t have any idea if Iker is happy to see him or is he angry because Sergio is interrupting his gym time. Iker`s face is as neutral as usual.  
“Can I come in?”  
Iker just opens the door wider and moves to the side to let Sergio come in.  
After letting Sergio in, Iker closes the door, turns around and asks again.  
“So – what are you doing here?”  
“Well…” Sergio starts. “It`s hard to explain… You see, I wanted to find out if you…” _maybe possibly would consider fucking my brains out ___– Sergio finishes in his thoughts.  
“Me – what?” Iker starts looking more and more impatient. Never a good thing.  
So – what the hell – Pilar said to just take his clothes off and Sergio will finally know – it could totally lead to a terrible disaster but there is always a chance it will end with hot and steamy sex with one very sexy and very sweaty Iker Casillas who is now frowning at Sergio.  
“Sergio?” Sergio can hear warning in Iker`s voice.  
Okay, here goes nothing. Sergio starts taking his clothes off.  
Iker scrunches up his face in confusion. When Sergio has pulled his shirt off and dropped it carelessly on the Carbonillas` living room floor Iker takes a step back looking a bit shocked.  
_Finally some reaction ___– Sergio thinks as he unzips his jeans, pushes them down over his hips and lets them slide to the floor.  
“Joder no – you didn`t?” Iker looks angry.  
Sergio looks at Iker confused. “Wha-?”  
“You did it, didn`t you? You went and got a new tattoo. And you`re taking your clothes off so it`s somewhere… Shit – is it on your ass? Sergio are you out of your fucking mind? No, not on your ass! Where is it Sergio? Did it got infected? Again? How many times have I told you… Why are you taking your briefs off? Jesus, you finally went completely insane and tattooed your cock, didn`t you? Hijo de puta…”  
And okay – Sergio is shocked because rambling Iker – it`s not something you see often. Or ever.  
“No, not a tattoo.” Sergio is exasperated.  
“Then what? You decided to do a nude photo shoot again and want to demonstrate your potential poses?”  
And – what? Sergio is ready to just give up and tell Iker everything. “No, Iker – I just wanna…”  
“Is it rash? Red spots? Does it itch?” Iker interrupts Sergio unceremoniously.  
“What?” Sergio is truly confused now.  
“It`s probably chlamydia. Or herpes. Do you have blisters like the last time? No? Sores? Is it painful to pee? Does it feel like burning when you pee? Constipation?” While keeping up his interrogation Iker has stepped right in front of Sergio and is trying to pull Sergio`s briefs off him.  
Sergio is holding on to his underwear defensively.  
“I`m taking my clothes off in front of you and you think it could be just because a tattoo, nude photo shoot or STD? What the fuck, Iker?”  
Iker finally stops trying to undress Sergio.  
“But what other reason there could be for you coming to my home and taking your clothes off in front of me?” Iker is frowning, confusion is clear in his features.  
“You want me to SPELL it out for you? Do you, Iker? Okay, I`m gonna spell it for you! I want you to bend me over the closest surface and fuck me hard! I wanna suck your dick! I. WANNA. HAVE. SEX. WITH. YOU!”  
“Oh…”  
“Oh? That`s all you have to say, Iker? `Oh`? For fuck`s sake!” Sergio is angry now.  
“Why didn`t you just say so?” Iker looks even more confused. “Okay, let`s have sex. How do you want me?” Iker is all business.  
“You mean I just had to ask and you would just…” Sergio is trying to understand what the fuck is happening.  
Iker is already going up the stairs to the second floor.  
“Sergio, I don`t have all day! Are you coming or not? I`m all sweaty, do you have any objections to fucking in the shower?”  
“Fucking Cosmopolitan!” Sergio murmurs grouchily as he hurries after Iker.


End file.
